Coming to terms with the loss of someone important is an emotional process that affects us all in different ways. In the immediate aftermath, it can be difficult to accept that the person has actually died. Their death may not seem real, and we may find ourselves expecting them to reappear, catching a glimpse of them out of the corner of our eye, dreaming about them, or imagining they will still be there when we wake.
For others, loss can create a state of shock, as though the world has suddenly changed while everything around us continues as before. Some people may appear to function normally, throwing themselves into work, dealing with practical arrangements or becoming the emotional support for others. These and many other responses can be a normal part of trying to process an event of enormous emotional significance.
Bereavement - an emotional process
There is no single correct way to respond to bereavement. We may initially turn away from the reality of a loss by shutting down emotionally, struggling to believe it has happened or focusing our attention elsewhere. These responses can give us time to begin processing something that initially feels overwhelming.
As time progresses, we may gradually become more able to think directly about the person who has died, reflect on our relationship with them and find a place for their memory in our lives. Grieving does not necessarily mean leaving someone behind. It can involve finding a way of honouring the relationship while continuing to live our own lives in a meaningful way.
What is the grieving process?
Grief is often described as an emotional process of gradually coming to accept and learning to live with the loss of someone important. You may have heard grief described in terms of five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
These stages can provide a useful way of describing some of the feelings people experience following a loss, but grief does not necessarily progress through a predictable sequence. Not everyone experiences all of these feelings, they may occur in a different order, and feelings that seemed to have passed can return. Everyone's experience of grief is individual.
What can complicate the grieving process?
There are many factors that can make grieving more difficult. Sometimes we can become stuck with a particular aspect of a loss and find it difficult to move forward.
The pain associated with a loss may feel so overwhelming that accepting what has happened seems impossible. We might remain constantly busy and disconnected from our emotions, or become caught in feelings such as anger, guilt, fear or regret. A significant loss can also affect later relationships, for example by creating a fear of becoming close to someone and experiencing another separation. We may not always recognise that feelings or patterns in our present life are connected with an earlier bereavement.
What can help with grieving?
At times it can be helpful to take a break from difficult feelings rather than trying to confront them continuously. Over time, however, having opportunities to acknowledge and process those feelings can be an important part of adapting to a loss.
Funerals, wakes and other rituals can help us recognise the reality of a death, remember the person who has died and connect with others experiencing the same loss. Some people find it helpful to talk about the person they have lost, including things they wish they had been able to say. Others may find comfort in writing down their thoughts and feelings, reading about grief, creating art, remembering shared experiences or finding their own personal way of maintaining a connection with the person who has died.
When can it be helpful to seek therapy?
Grieving can be easier when we have supportive people around us: friends who are able to listen, family who can offer emotional and practical support, and a workplace that allows appropriate time and space following a bereavement. Not everyone has this support available, and even when they do, it may not always feel sufficient.
People can also worry about burdening friends or family with their feelings, particularly when those people are grieving themselves. In these circumstances, talking to a therapist who is independent of the situation can provide a confidential space in which difficult thoughts and feelings can be explored openly.
How can bereavement counselling help?
Counselling and psychotherapy can provide a supportive environment in which to explore the impact of a bereavement at your own pace. Therapy can help you make sense of difficult or conflicting emotions, understand ways in which the loss may be affecting other areas of your life and explore feelings that may be difficult to discuss elsewhere.
The therapists at Hitchin Counselling & Psychology are professionally trained and work within the ethical standards of their respective professional bodies. Our aim is to provide a confidential, compassionate and thoughtful space in which you can explore your experience of loss and find a way forward that feels meaningful to you.
Bereavement can involve many different feelings and experiences, including:
- Shock or disbelief
- Sadness and loneliness
- Anger
- Guilt or regret
- Anxiety about further loss
- Difficulty accepting what has happened
- Feeling emotionally numb
- Changes in relationships
- Difficulty concentrating or carrying out everyday activities
- Feeling stuck or unable to move forward